A man was walking in the country and saw a pig with a wooden 
leg sitting outside a barn. As he was pondering this, the pig's 
owner came along. The man asked the farmer how the pig got his 
wooden leg.
The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house 
caught fire last May, and he dragged my kids to safety!"
"Is that how he lost his leg?" the man asked.
"No," replied the farmer. "But a month ago, I almost drowned 
and that pig swam through icy water to pull me to shore!"
"So that's how he lost his leg," the man asked.
"Oh, no. And just a week ago, my wife's car slid off the road 
onto the train tracks. That pig broke through the window and 
helped her out just as a freight train came through!"
"So THAT'S how he lost his leg!" the man said.
"No, sir."
"Then HOW did he lose it?" the man begged.
"Well sir," the farmer replied, "when you got a pig that 
terrific, you don't want to eat it all at once."


One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and 
he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his 
twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I 
didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, 
it was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, 
and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal 
are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "Since I'm blind, 
I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find 
out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, 
you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a 
little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose. YOU must be 
a BUNNY RABBIT!" And the little blind bunny was so pleased he 
danced with joy.
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, WHAT 
kind of animal are YOU?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed 
to examine HIM, and when he was finished, the snake said, 
"Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
The bunny replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and 
you haven't got any balls...
You must be a lawyer."


Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Zany.
Zany who?
Zany body seen my girl?


An old Irishman with a pronounced limp sits down at a bar and 
orders a whiskey. He looks down at the end of the bar and sees 
someone who looks a lot Jesus, and he asks the barkeep, "Is 
that Jesus down there?" The bartender says that it is, so the 
Irishman tells him to give Jesus a whiskey, too.
A hunchbacked Italian comes into the bar and orders a glass of 
chianti. When he sees Jesus sitting down at the end of the bar, 
he asks the bartender to give one to the son of God, too.
Finally, a Redneck swaggers in dragging his knuckles on the 
floor and hollers, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that 
God's boy down there?" The barkeep nods, and the Redneck told 
him to give Jesus a brewski, too.
As Jesus gets up to leave, he walks over to the Irishman and 
touchs him and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The 
Irishman feels the strength come back to his leg, and he gets 
up and dances a jig out the door.
Jesus touches the Italian and says, "For your kindness, you too 
are healed." The Italian feels his back straighten, and he 
raises his hands above his head and does a flip out the door.
As Jesus walks toward the redneck, the redneck jumps back and 
says, "Don't touch me, Man! I'm drawing disability!"


A man and his wife went scuba diving together, but after about 
a half an hour, he couldn't find her. He looked and looked, but 
to no avail. Finally a search team was called, but after many 
hours, they found nothing. The man went home, and a few hours 
later, two policemen arrived at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we 
have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and 
some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news 
first."
The policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this 
morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my God!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, 
remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the 
good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "when we pulled her up she had two 
five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on 
her."
"If that's the good news than what's the great news?" Mr. 
Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow 
morning."


There were three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a 
chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly, the car stops running and they pull off to the side 
if the road, wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics 
of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have 
occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests 
maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked 
somewhere.
The Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, came 
up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get 
out, get back in, open all the windows and see if it works?"


A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. 
He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the 
wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He 
said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine 
if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police 
car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and 
said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"


Bring Your Own Rim-Shot
"I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't 
know what he looks like!"


A fighter pilot, a pig, and a dog were the only survivors of a 
terrible shipwreck, and they found themselves stranded on an 
island. After being there awhile, they got into a ritual of 
going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus 
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- a perfect night for 
romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better to 
the fighter pilot, so he leaned toward the pig and put his arm 
around it. The dog became jealous and growled fiercely at the 
fighter pilot, until he removed his arm from the pig. They 
continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another 
shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She 
was in pretty bad shape when they rescued her, but they slowly 
nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they 
introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another 
beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm gentle 
breeze; perfect for a night of romance. 
The fighter pilot started getting those "ideas" again, so he 
leaned toward the girl and whispered in her ear, "Would you 
mind taking the dog for a walk?"


There was a fellow talking to his buddy one day. The fellow 
said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She 
has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she 
wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a 
certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any 
way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So, the first 
fellow did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my 
suggestion? How'd it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the 
mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two 
hours'!"


Doug decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up 
Doug's Blazer and headed north. After driving for a few hours, 
they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a 
nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if 
they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the 
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Doug said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the 
barn."
Nine months later, Doug got a letter from the widow's attorney. 
He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember 
that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to 
the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your 
name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"


From "Bible Knowledge"
The seventh commandment is "Thou shall not admit adultery."
The Epistles were the wives of the Apostles.
The Jews had trouble throughout their history with 
unsympathetic genitals.
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.


A husband and wife had been stranded on a deserted island for 
many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes 
up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to 
each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols 
will have to be observed.
The husband, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, is 
very glad to see the second man there. "This is wonderful! Now 
we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the 
watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers 
to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands 
watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the 
husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to 
make a fire to cook supper.
The new man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They look at each 
other and yell back, "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later, 
they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.
Again the new man yells down, "Heeey, no screwing!" Again they 
yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to 
patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above, 
"Hey, I said no screwing!!"
They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!" Finally the 
shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and 
the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets halfway up, 
his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out.
Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and 
says to himself: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like 
they're screwing."


One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up 
together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in 
order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one 
question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name 
of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a 
movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be 
the Titanic." St. Peter let her through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the 
question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?" 
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and 
answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."


Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Yugo.
Yugo who?
Yogo on without me.


A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was 
talking to his lawyer.
"If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined."
"It’s in the judge’s hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt 
like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold 
you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at 
the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in 
favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, 
"Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them."
"But I did send them."
"What?? You did???"
"Yes. That’s how we won the case."
"I don’t understand," said the lawyer.
"It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the 
plaintiff’s business card."


There were these three guys, a Mexican guy, an Italian guy and 
a Jewish guy. They all worked together at a factory. Every day 
they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one 
day they met together and decided that today when the boss 
leaves, they'll all leave early, too.
The boss left and so did they. The Jewish guy went home, read 
the newspaper and took a nap. The Italian guy went home and 
cooked dinner. The Mexican guy went home and walked to his 
bedroom. He opened the door slowly and saw his wife in bed with 
his boss, so he shut the door and left.
The next day the Italian and Jewish guys were talking and 
planned to go home early again. They asked the Mexican guy if 
he wanted to leave early, too, and he said, "No."
They asked him why not and he said, "Because yesterday I almost 
got caught!"


A fella was saying to his friend, "My wife seems to have 
developed some sort of fixation that her collection of fur 
coats will be stolen. When I came home early one day last week, 
I found she'd hired someone to *guard* them! In fact, she 
stationed the poor guy right inside the closet!"


A cowboy by the name of Doolittle was walking down a country 
road when he came upon a rancher working on his fence.
"Is that your dog?" the cowboy asked.
The rancher replied, "Yup."
"Mind if I talk to him?"
"Durn fool, don't you know dogs don't talk?"
The cowboy replied, "So what's the harm? May I?"
"Go right ahead."
The cowboy said to the dog, "Howdy!" The dog replied, "Hello." 
The rancher's eyes popped open wide. The cowboy continued, "Is 
this your master?" "Yep, he sure is." "Does he treat you all 
right?" "Sure does. Every day he takes me for a walk, he feeds 
me all kinds of great food, and once a week he takes me to the 
lake to play." The rancher was dumbfounded.
The cowboy said to the rancher, "Is that your horse over 
there?"
"Yes."
"Do you mind if I talk to him?"
The rancher replied, "I know the dog spoke to you, but I know 
for a fact that horses can't talk."
"Well, then what would it hurt?"
"Go right ahead."
The Cowboy said to the horse, "Hello." The horse replied, 
"Hello." The rancher stood there with his jaw gaping. The 
cowboy asked, "Is that your owner?" "Yup, sure is." "He treat 
you okay?" "Sure, he rides me every day, brushes me down at the 
end of the day, and he keeps me in the barn away from the 
elements." "Sounds good."
The cowboy then asked the rancher, "Are those your sheep over 
there?"
The rancher is horrified and stammers, "Them sheep out there, 
they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"


After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that 
they had enough kids. So, the husband and wife went to the 
doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his 
wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told them that there was a procedure called a 
vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was more expensive 
than they could afford. The doctor knew the family didn't have 
much money, so he proceeded to tell them about an alternate 
treatment. 
The doctor instructed the man to go home, get a cherry bomb 
(fireworks are legal in Arkansas), light it, put it in a beer 
can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. (A cherry 
bomb has an 8 second fuse).
The Arkansan said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest 
man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can 
next to my ear is going to help me." The doctor told him that 
was the cheapest alternative he could think of, and the man was 
still not satisfied.
So, the couple drove to Texas to get a second opinion. The 
Texas physician was just about to tell them about the procedure 
for a vasectomy when he noticed on the form that they were from 
Arkansas. (And the income range block on the form was filled in 
with the words "what's income.") So this doctor also proceeded 
to tell them about an alternate method of treatment. He told 
the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in 
a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the 
couple went home, stopping to buy a cherry bomb along the way. 
When he got home, the man lit a cherry bomb and put it in a 
beer can. He held the can up to his ear (remember a cherry bomb 
has an 8 second fuse) and began to count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused and placed the beer 
can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.


Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day 
arguing about who might have designed the human body. The first 
one said, "It must've been a mechanical engineer. The human 
body has all those levers and pivots and stuff--a mechanical 
engineer must have designed all that."
The second one said, "No, it had to have been an electrical 
engineer. The complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain 
must have been designed by an electrical engineer."
The third one said, "No, it was a civil engineer. Who else 
would have run a waste water line through a recreational area?"


There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. 
There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the 
kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three 
kings decided that they would send their knights out to do 
battle, and the winner would take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires 
pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first 
kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of 
whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking 
food.
The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 
squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for 
battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one 
knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung 
it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself 
preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.
When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their 
squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the 
knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust 
cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the 
third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two 
kingdoms.
I guess this just proves that the squire of the high pot and 
noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two 
sides.


One sperm says to the other: "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one says: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."


Little Susan was mother’s helper. She helped set the table when 
company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the 
guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed 
something was missing.
"Susan," she said, "You didn’t put a knife and fork at Mr. 
Smith’s place."
"I thought he wouldn’t need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says 
he always eats like a horse!"


A Morning Prayer
Dear Lord, so far today I'm doing all right. I have not 
gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish 
or overindulgent. However, I'm getting out of bed in a few 
minutes and I will need a lot more help after that. Amen.


A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested 
that he shave his beard.
"Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see 
your handsome face." 
James replied, "My wife loves this beard. I couldn't possibly 
do it. She would kill me!!"
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little 
voice...
"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!!"
The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.
That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she 
was sleeping. The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt 
his face and said, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here. My 
husband will be home soon!"


Knock-knock. Who's there?
Pizza. Pizza who?
Pizza that apple pie sure would be nice.


A blonde was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was 
standing in front of the candy machine and put two coins in, 
turned the knob and a candy bar fell out.
She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she 
proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the 
knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket.
She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the 
knob producing yet another candy bar.
A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to 
her. He said, "Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?"
She said, "Duh! I'm winning here!"


Mr. Smith hired himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, 
and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed 
his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Smith, 
your barracks door is open."
He did not understand her remark. But later, he happened to 
look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have 
some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the 
way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this 
morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir. All 
I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel 
bags."


A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city 
department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area-
-you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow 
and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 
o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many 
sales did you make today?"
"One" said the young salesman. 
"Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 
sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars," 
said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a 
small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large 
hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a 
huge big one.
"I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the 
coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down 
to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner 
with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably 
wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car 
department and sold him a new SUV." 
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You 
sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a box of 
Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, 
you may as well go fishing.' "


Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a 
young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban 
neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley 
and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a 
woman looking out from her kitchen window, watched the two men 
as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his 
younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the 
truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady 
from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. 
They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gas men 
running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run, 
too!"


Why do Japanese Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs?
So you can tell them apart from femi-nazis.


A Texas farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets 
an Aussie farmer and is invited out to his ranch. The Aussie 
shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have 
wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows 
off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have 
longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan 
sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, "And what are those?" 
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have 
any grasshoppers in Texas?"


President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to 
an administration foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the 
Pope to hell.
The Pope explained the situation to the Devil. He checked out 
all of the paperwork, called the Pearly Gates admitting office, 
and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, 
that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem.
The next day the Pope was called in, the Devil said his good-
bye, and he began his journey to heaven. Along the way, he met 
Clinton, who was on his way down. They stopped to chat.
The Pope said, "Sorry about the mixup. By the time you get to 
hell, it's really too late to save any souls."
Clinton replied, "No problem. I'm sure I'll be with more 
familiar company down below, anyway."
The Pope continued, "Well, I'm really excited about going to 
heaven."
"Why's that?" Clinton asked.
"All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary," the Pope 
replied.
"Oh," said Clinton. "I'm afraid you're a day late."


A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on their way 
from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, the man 
decided to stop and the next gasoline station and fill up.
"What can I do fer ya'll?" the attendant asked.
"Fill it with supreme," the man said.
While the attendant was filling the tank, he looked the car up, 
down and sideways. "What kinda car is dis here?" he asked. "I 
never seen one like it before."
"It's a brand new Cadillac," the driver said proudly. "It has 
power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, 
AM/FM radio with a CD player, an 8-speaker stereo, rack and 
pinion steering, disk brakes, leather interior, digital 
instruments..."
"Wow," said the attendant. "That there's the fanciest car I 
ever did see."
"How much do I owe you?" asked the driver when the attendant 
had finished.
"That'll be $30.25," he replied. The driver pulled out his 
money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10. Then he went into 
his pocket and pulled out a handful of change. Mixed in with 
the change were a few golf tees.
"What're them little things there?" asked the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," said the man.
"Goodness," said the attendant. "Them Cadillac people think of 
everything."


New Additions to the Periodic Table
Canadium Eh: Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much 
more rigid. Often mistaken for Boron.
Budweisium Ps: Has no taste or smell; is often 
indistinguishable from water.
Quaylium Vp: Einsteinium it ain't.


A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed 
his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in 
the whole event.
The man thought, "Great--he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start 
explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, though. 
I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and 
said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that 
calf going when he hit that cow?"


There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a 
Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy 
with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get 
something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've 
got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." 
They walk over to the restaurant, the one with the Doberman 
Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk 
in.
A man at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. 
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The man at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts 
on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The man at the 
door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is 
my seeing-eye dog."
The man at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a 
Chihuahua?"


A man and his wife are having sex..
Fifteen minutes has passed, 30 minutes, then 45 minutes.
Sweat is pouring off both of them. The wife finally looks at 
her husband and says, "What's the matter, darling, can't you 
think of anyone else, either?"


Bill Clinton was visiting at an old age retirement home. He 
went up to a woman, shook her hand and said, "Do you know who I 
am?"
"No," replied the old woman, "but if you go to the front desk, 
they'll tell you!"


The Bag Man
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections 
from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. 
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a 
deaf person for this job--if he were to get caught, he wouldn't 
be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He 
gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe 
place.
The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and 
sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods 
find the collector and ask him where the money is. The guy 
can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags him to an 
interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money 
is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The 
interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what 
you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the 
deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is." The 
interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden 
in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street 
gate."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't 
know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the 
balls to pull the trigger."


A Big Blonde Joke
Sally goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, 
concerned about all of his employees’ well being, asked 
sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone 
call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young 
girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly 
busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
Sally very calmly states, "No. I'd be better off here. I need 
to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that 
here."
The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need 
anything just let me know."
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He 
looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.
He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going 
to be ok? What's wrong?"
Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call 
from my sister. She said that *her* mom died too!!"


A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders 
were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker 
on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated 
in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a 
sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can’t come through. I 
have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I’m telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I’m 
new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"


News Flash!
A crook tried to hijack a bus full of Japanese tourists.
Fortunately the police had 5000 photographs of the suspect.


An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him 
she wants a facelift.
He says, "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 
and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is 
guaranteed for 3 years, and the last is $5000 and it is 
guaranteed for 5 years."
The old lady says, "Well tell me about them."
The doctor says, "For $1000, you are going to get a half-ass 
job that you pay very little for."
She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one?" He 
explains, "For $3000, we do a much better job and pay close 
attention to detail, but it's only guaranteed for 3 years." The 
lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last 
one?"
The doctor replies, "For $5000, you are going to get the best 
facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic 
surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your 
head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and 
we will tighten the screw."
The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later 
she comes back to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my 
money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my 
eyes!"
The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady, you aren't 
getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your 
boobs and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to 
have a beard."


Give Me A Desert Laff (Yucca, Yucca)
Patient: "Doctor, you've got to help me, some mornings I wake 
up and think I'm Donald Duck, other mornings I think I'm Mickey 
Mouse."
Doctor: "Hmmmmmmm, and how long have you been having these 
Disney spells?"


A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when 
all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a 
tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer after seeing what 
happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a 
hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed 
bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, 
but you know how them politicians lie."


A mother and father take their young son to the circus. When 
the elephants appear, the son is intrigued by them, and he 
turns to his mother and says, "Mom, what's that thing hanging 
between the elephant's legs?"
The mother is embarrassed, and says, "Oh, it's nothing, son."
So the son turns to the father and asks him the same question. 
The father replies, "It's the elephant's penis, son."
The son says, "Why did mom say it was nothing?"
The father draws himself up, and proudly says, "Son, I've 
spoiled that woman."


Poor Billy is dating a rich girl and has no idea what to give 
her for her birthday (as she has everything). He tells of his 
dilemma to his friend, and he suggests that he tattoo her name 
on his sex organ.
Billy goes to a tattoo parlor and tells the man her name is 
Wendy.
When the job is finished he looks down and sees, "W Y" and 
says, "Hey. I said her name was Wendy."
The man says, "Don't worry, shake it." He does and voila, 
"Wendy."
He ties a ribbon on it and presents it to his girl. She is so 
happy, she invites him on a Caribbean cruise.
While in port at Jamaica in a disco he goes to the bathroom. 
While at the urinal a tall Jamaican stands next to him, glances 
down sees "W Y" and says, "W Y, huh?"
Billy says "Oh! It's my girlfriends name, look (he shakes it... 
Wendy).
The Jamaican says: "Ah good show man, Wendy, very nice."
Billy looks at the Jamaican and notices his organ also says "W 
Y."
Billy says, "Hey, wait a minute, yours says 'Wendy' too?"
"Ah no, man. Mine says, 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day.' 
"


Clean Blonde Jokes (and still funny)
A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail 
to rail, saying "21," "21," "21." A blonde walks up, sees her 
and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to 
rail, saying "21," "21," "21." Suddenly, the brunette hears a 
train whistle, and she jumps off the tracks just as the blonde 
is splattered all over the place. The brunette goes back to 
jumping from rail to rail, counting, "22," "22," "22."

A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of 
her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. 
My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head 
hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a blonde?" "Yes, I 
was," she replies. "Why do you ask?" The doctor answers, 
"Because your finger is broken!"

Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to 
a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to 
death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? They went to 
see "Closed for the Winter."

Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.


One For The Book(ing)
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who 
just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives 
asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all 
your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I 
said!"


The secretaries at a local school heard a cat meowing in their 
office. But after searching the office thoroughly, they were 
unable to find the cat. They called the maintenance department 
thinking that somehow the cat got into the walls of the old 
school building.
When maintenance arrived, they first took out a number of the 
ceiling tiles to see if it was located there. They found 
nothing, but after hearing the meow again removed all the 
furniture from one side of the room, heavy file cabinets, desks 
and a table. They punched a hole in the wall, looked in and saw 
nothing.
They heard the meow again, and again moved all the furniture, 
punched a second hole and still found no cat. A third time, 
they moved the furniture and again after punching a hole in the 
third wall were unable to locate the cat.
Upon hearing the meow again, they went to move the furniture 
when one of the secretaries looked down on the table and found 
a "tamagucci cat" (the handheld 'virtual pet') sitting on the 
table. It had been confiscated from one of the children earlier 
in the morning.


A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to 
end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went 
down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, 
took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live 
for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can 
stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring 
you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and 
added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The 
girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a 
lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three 
sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love 
until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she 
was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. 
"I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten 
Island Ferry."


In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between 
services when he was approached by the minister. The minister 
asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and 
listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the 
bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but 
never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so 
when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right 
back."
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected 
the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. 
"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given 
into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."
Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. 
Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of 
desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional 
and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for 
oral sex?"
In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."


Top Reasons Dinosaurs Became Extinct
Those damn tar pits.
The females were cold-blooded.
The earth said, "Pull my finger."
They all died.


A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, 
trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. 
With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice 
stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic 
fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a variety of 
lifesavers, more flavors than you could imagine.
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," 
announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to 
identify the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the 
teacher had them put honey-flavored lifesavers in their mouths, 
every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your 
Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his 
mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"


A linguistics professor was lecturing to his classes one day. 
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In 
some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is 
still a negative.
"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a 
double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."


A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a 
passing farmer fifty dollars to pull him out with his tractor. 
After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At 
those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of 
the mud night and day."
"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the 
hole."

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse attached around 
his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there 
until it's his turn to be waited on. A man, who was already in 
the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog.
The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it 
wanted today. The dog put his paw on the glass case in front of 
the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?"
The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two 
pounds of ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?"
The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How 
many?"
The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of 
four pork chops.
The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher 
could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate 
amount of money and tied the two packages of meat around the 
dog's neck. The man who had been watching all this time, 
decided to follow the dog.
It walked for several blocks and then trotted up to a house 
where it began to scratch the door to be let in. As the owner 
appeared at the door, the man said to him, "That's a really 
smart dog you have there."
The owner replied, "He's not all that smart. This is the second 
time this week he forgot his key."


There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The 
woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband 
they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so 
thin. The husband then donated some of his skin.
However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his 
buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, 
because after all this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the 
woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did 
before. All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at 
her youthful beauty.
She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank 
him for his generosity. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank 
you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever 
repay you."
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough 
every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your 
cheek!"


Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Leggo.
Leggo who?
Leggo the door, so I can come in.


A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive 
lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon 
discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and 
apparently very intelligent.
Hoping to get her into bed he began showing her his collection 
of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and 
offered her a glass of wine. He asked whether she preferred 
Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means.
"To me it's the nectar of the gods," she continued. "Just 
looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a 
glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and 
the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the 
enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It 
seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole 
being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being 
softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another 
world."
The playboy's self-congratulating thoughts on this catch were 
interrupted when she said, "On the other hand, Port makes me 
fart."


A Shaggy Dog Story
A young boy goes off to college, but about a third the way 
through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money 
his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get 
more dough?" Then he gets an idea.
He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe the 
wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they 
actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him 
in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get 
him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About two thirds 
the way through the semester, the money runs out. So the boy 
calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father 
asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says. "But you just 
won't believe this--now they have a program here that will 
teach Fido to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "That's amazing! What do I have to do 
to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." So his father 
sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets 
home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk 
nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father 
is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him 
talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when 
I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking 
back in the recliner and reading the morning paper, like he 
usually does. Then he turned to me and asked 'So, is your daddy 
still messin' around with that little redhead that lives down 
on Oak Street?' "
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' son-of-a-bitch!"


New Book Titles From amazing.com
"50 Yards To The Outhouse," by Willie Makit
"Sliding Down A Bannister," by Dick Burns
"Green Spots On The Wall," by Picken and Flicken
"I Was Prepared," by Justin Case


A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off 
the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out 
of the bushes.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started 
running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game 
Warden was hot on his heels.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over 
with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game 
Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game 
Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb 
as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a 
valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, 
well, he don't have one."


New Additions To The Periodic Table
Billclintium Bc: With a slick appearance and slimy texture, 
this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in 
hot water.
Limbaughium Lb: The heaviest know element. It possesses an 
ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no 
light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come into contact 
with it. Repels protons and electrons; only attracts morons.


Rules for Yankees Who Move To The South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed 
later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as 
"Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we 
can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men 
in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a 
tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just 
stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the 
same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth 
cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All 
y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a 
southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston 
accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They 
don't understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted 
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big 
ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their 
new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One 
hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer 
proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin' " defense is valid here.


Eulo-GEE!
Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for 
his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred’s frail 
condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something 
to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and 
Fred used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then 
he died.
The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, 
so he slipped it into his jacket pocket.
Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the 
eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that 
he’d worn the day Fred died. "You know," he said, "ol Fred 
handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t read it, but 
knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for 
us all."
He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You’re standing on my 
oxygen tube!"


A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was 
speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began. "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you 
cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."
"And I said to keep quiet! Not another word out of you! You're 
going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and 
said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's 
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the 
groom."


The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the 
manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped 
his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus 
Christ!" he exclaimed.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Clyde!"


Life's Pressing Questions
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?


Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math. His parents tried 
everything... tutors, flash cards, special learning centers... 
In short, everything they could think of to improve Tommy's 
grades.
As a last ditch effort, they enrolled Tommy in the local 
Catholic School. After Tommy's first day at the new school, he 
came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even 
kiss his mother hello, but walked straight to his room and 
started studying. Books and paper were soon spread out all over 
the room with Tommy hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, and to 
her shock, the minute he was done, he marched right back to his 
room without a word and started hitting the books as hard as 
before.
This went on day after day while his mother tried to understand 
what was making the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He placed 
it quietly on the table and walked directly to his room to hit 
the books again.
With great curiosity, Tommy's mom opened the report card, and 
to her delight, little Tommy got an A+ in math! She had to know 
why the Catholic school was so different, so she went to 
Tommy's room.
"So, what was it? Was it the nuns?" she asked. Little Tommy 
kept his eyes on the ground and shook his head "No."
"Was it the books...the discipline, the structure, the 
uniforms? WHAT was it??" she asked. Little Tommy looked at her 
and finally answered.
"Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed 
to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."


Stupid Robber Tricks
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye 
pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-
the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the 
front of his pants as he was running out the door.
"He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman 
Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." 
Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...


A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign 
in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be 
able to type, have computer skills, and be bilingual. We are an 
Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw 
the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and 
wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and 
whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The 
office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the 
least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into 
the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the 
manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you 
have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the 
typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took 
out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to 
him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says 
you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog 
proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs 
and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented 
them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-
founded!
He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very 
intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I 
*still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his 
paw on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity 
Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have 
to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."



Bar One-Liners
A giraffe walked into the bar and said, "The hiballs are on 
me!"
A horse walked into the bar and the bartender asked, "Why the 
long face?"
My neighbor took a ladder to the bar. He heard the drinks were 
on the house.


A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, 
"You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately 
you have waited too long and you are going to die this 
evening." The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to 
tell his wife.
Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this 
is going to be a night that you will always remember," she 
says. "I am going to treat you like a king." She prepares a 
scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles - the works.
After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible 
negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their 
bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever 
made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over 
to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband 
is wide awake watching the clock.
He knows that he is doomed. He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers. 
She rolls over and again they proceed to make love. Again when 
they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting 
cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's 
dying wishes.
Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man 
decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers.
She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in 
the morning!!!"


A miraculous baby was born so advanced, he could talk. The 
newborn looked around the delivery room, saw the doctor and 
asked, "Are you my doctor?"
The stunned doctor replied, "Yes, I am."
The baby smiled and said, "Thank you, sir, for taking such good 
care of me during birth." Everyone was amazed at his wisdom and 
the clarity of his speech.
The baby then looked over at his mother and asked, "Are you my 
mother?"
With tears of joy in her eyes, his mother replied, "Yes, dear, 
I am."
The small wonder smiled and softly said, "Thank you, mother, 
for taking such good care of me before I was born."
Then, the little baby looked up, gazed at his father and asked, 
"Are you my father?"
His father proudly replied, "Yes, son, I am."
The baby then motioned his father to come closer. His father 
leaned in closer...then the baby poked him hard on his forehead 
seven times with his index finger and said, "Just wanted you to 
know that THAT STUFF HURTS!"


Two dumb farmers had a mule that was a very hard worker. The 
only problem was every time they went to put the mule back in 
his stall, his ears would brush the top of the entrance and the 
old mule would go crazy and kick everything.
One day, the farmers decided to cut an opening in the top of 
the entrance to prevent this from happening. While they were 
working, a neighbor stopped by and asked what they were doing, 
so they explained the problem.
The neighbor suggested that they could save a lot of work and 
time if they simply took a shovel and dug the entrance down a 
little bit. The farmers thanked their neighbor and he went on 
his way.
Then the one farmer said to the other, "Some stupid neighbor we 
have, it's not his feet that's too long, it's his ears!"


A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house 
juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks 
on the door and it's answered by a middle-aged man.
"Mornin' stranger, what can I do for ya?"
"Well sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We're paid 
by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like 
yourself for feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting 
comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to 
answer just a couple of questions?"
"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt. Fire away, 
young man."
Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, 
"Okay...first, you do use Vaseline, correct?"
"Yessir, for as long as I can remember."
"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" asks the survey-
taker with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record 
the answer.
"Let's see.....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex."
The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, 
leans forward, and says, "I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry 
skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you 
use it for sex?"
"No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper. "We put it on 
our bedroom doorknob." The survey-taker gets a strange look on 
his face and takes a step backward before the homeowner 
continues.
"It keeps the kids out."


A man goes into a bar looking very depressed and orders a 
drink. As soon as it hits the bar, the man shoots it down and 
orders another. The sympathetic bartender asks, "Anything you 
want to talk about?"
The depressed man replies, "Well, for the last couple of 
months, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So today, I 
took off work early and decided to surprise her and come home 
for lunch. I caught her screwing my best friend."
"Wow," replied the bartender. "If you don't mind my asking, 
what do you say to your best friend in that situation?"
The man replied, "I looked him right in the eye, and I yelled, 
BAD DOG!"


Two immigrants, on their first day in America, are wandering 
around seeing the sights of New York City. One spots a street 
vendor selling "Hot Dogs" and says in a shocked tone, "My God, 
do they eat dogs in America?"
"I don't know," says the other, equally appalled.
"Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we 
must do as they do." They approach the vendor bravely. "Two, 
please." The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper 
sacks.
The immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One 
looks inside his sack and turns to the other and says, "Uh, 
which part of the dog did you get?"


Note on an Office Door
Having an out of body experience. Back in five.


A white woman walks into a sex shop and approaches the counter.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black 
one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much 
for the black dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a 
white one before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, 
"How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo... it'll cost you $85."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, 
I've never had a plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while 
I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really 
good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your 
thermos for $85!"


A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off 
the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to 
change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only 
one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to 
the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to 
excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must 
replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman 
calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-
activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type 
of program she wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the 
word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a 
George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a 
while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock n roll." 
The radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came 
from the speakers.
Quite pleased, the woman continued driving. A few blocks from 
her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on 
her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed, 
"Asshole!"
The radio cut over to the Rush Limbaugh show.


Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Freda.
Freda who?
Freda cold and starve a fever.


On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got 
a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to rent 
a carrier and get the paperwork done to take the puppy on 
board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and 
snuck him on board the airplane. About 30 minutes into the 
trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering.
"Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess.
"Yes, I'm fine," said the man.
Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking 
again. "Are you sure you're all right, sir?"
"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't 
have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I 
hid him down the front of my pants."
"What's wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not housebroken?"
"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned 
yet!"


A woman walks into a bar with a dog under her arm.
"Where did you get the pig?" the bartender asks.
"That's not a pig! It's a dog!" the woman replies.
"I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the dog."


I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've 
been having some problems lately. I've been running the same 
version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary 
application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have 
always conflicted with it.
I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in 
background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm 
embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound 
off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend 
also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, 
often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing 
incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I 
thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. 
After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a 
friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I 
probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and 
eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He 
was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled 
itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the 
bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it 
gave me virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and 
shut down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used 
a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection 
program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that 
GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running 
GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but 
GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that 
automatically senses the presence of any other version of 
GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results 
in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still 
some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written 
in some obscure language I can't understand, much less 
reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to 
the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, 
to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually 
have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how 
GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented". A year ago, a friend 
of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 
1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of 
GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires 
within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, 
but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he 
describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his 
space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary 
reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came 
bundled with FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 
sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new 
Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be 
running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. 
Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 
which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard 
if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 
1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall 
itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of 
insufficient resources.


A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & 
Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of 
laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the 
boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very 
powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In 
fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to 
the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to 
talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some 
candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was 
sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use 
that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent 
that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle."


Reasons It's Great To Be A Guy
All your orgasms are real.
Your ass is not a factor in a job interview.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
You don't have to shave below your neck.


A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in 
the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with 
you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several 
hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as 
food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes 
Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring 
with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of 
cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right 
direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master 
impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is 
bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top 
of that black ten!"


Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Hyena.
Hyena who?
Hyena tree sat an owl.


A woman plays bridge every Tuesday night. After a peaceful game 
or two with the ladies, she returns home to fix dinner for her 
husband, who usually arrives late from work. One Tuesday, she's 
playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she 
notices the time.
"Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to 
be so angry if it's not ready on time." She dashes out of her 
friend's house, her great hand left on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, 
nothing in the fridge but a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a 
partially used can of cat food. In a panic, she dumps the cat 
food on a plate, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the 
lettuce leaf, just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in 
panic as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he 
is loving it!
"Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in 
forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, 
yum!" And that night, they had sex for the first time in months 
and it was great.
Needless to say, every Tuesday from then on, and even some of 
the other nights, she made this dinner for her husband. She 
told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him," they'd all say.
Two months later, her husband died and her bridge women the 
Tuesday after the funeral attacked the new widow for being so 
callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat 
food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so 
calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "Ahh, I didn't kill him. He fell 
off the mantle while he was licking his rear."


A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a 
bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn 
mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the 
preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said 
the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher 
asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after 
riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got 
yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He 
pulled on the string a few times with no response from the 
mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I 
can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to 
get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I 
cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I 
do not even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep 
pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"


A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep 
during the sermon. One Sunday, the wife decided to do something 
about it, so she picked up a long hat pin and took it with her 
to church.
While sitting in church, the wife noticed that her husband was 
once again falling asleep, and as the preacher got to a part in 
the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there 
is in 6 days?" She poked her husband who jumped from the pew 
and shouted, "Good God all mighty!"
The minister looked at the man and said, "That's right, that's 
right," and he continued with the sermon. The man sat back 
down, muttering under his breath.
Later on, once again the man began to doze off, and just as the 
minister reached "...and who died on the cross to save us from 
our sins?" The wife again poked her husband, and he leaped from 
the pew and shouted, "Jesus Christ!"
The minister again looked at the man and said, "That's right, 
that's right," and went on with the sermon. The man sat back 
down, and gave his wife an angry look. Even so, the man was 
tired and ten minutes later he was feeling incredibly sleepy, 
so he closed his eyes and leaned his head back.
His wife noticed that he was about to fall asleep again, so she 
pulled out the hat pin, and just as the minister said, "...and 
what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second 
child?" She poked him as hard as she could. The man sprang from 
the pew and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing again I'm 
going to break it in two!"


A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who 
immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had 
genuinely tried to be nice to his new mother-in-law, hoping 
that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All 
to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every 
opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and 
generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new 
bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced 
inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the 
mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a 
shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding 
ways...
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near 
the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor 
noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the 
farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, 
he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as 
to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer 
what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible 
tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The 
men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake 
my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.' "


Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were 
approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the 
pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As 
they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde 
employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument 
for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrr, 
gerrrrr, Kiiiing."


A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a 
costume party. I want to go as Adam."
The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough." She 
brings out a bigger one.
He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig 
leaf.
He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your 
shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"


Stupid Robber Tricks
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all 
the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too 
small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter 
himself for three hours until police showed up and nabbed him.


A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing 
he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called 
down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the 
premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but 
down the hall is a special machine that should serve your 
purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate 
machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the 
opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. 
Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and 
surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best 
haircut he ever received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, 
"Manicures, insert 25 cents."
"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted 
his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly 
manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine 
Provides What Men
Need Most When Away from Their Wives, insert 50 cents." The 
salesman became excited and didn't bother reading the small 
print. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then 
unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening, with 
great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 
weeks.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of 
agony.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, 
the salesman was able to withdraw his penis, which now had a 
button sewed on the tip.


It was the first day of Elementary School, Grade Three, in a 
new town for Johnny.
As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of 
the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as 
high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get 
past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 
50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited 
that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad 
nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, 
son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students 
to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it 
half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, 
but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. 
That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his 
prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to 
him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking 
showers. His previous school didn't have them, so it was a new 
experience. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in 
his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed." This confused him. 
That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny 
ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because 
I'm from Alabama?" he asked. "No, son," explained his Dad, 
"That's because you're 18."


Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Essay.
Essay who?
Essay a little prayer for you.


There's this guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. 
He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, 
takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on 
man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I 
just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I 
fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, 
fires me. When I leave the building, to go to my car, I find 
out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I 
get a cab to return home, and when the cab driver drives away 
from my house, I realize I left my wallet on the seat. I go 
inside my house, and I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I 
leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, 
you show up and drink my poison..."


Don't . . . Stop . . . Don't Stop
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on 
an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began 
discussing their home lives.
"Last night, I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman 
bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she 
told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian 
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and 
told me she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, 
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she 
say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."


Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, but you didn't write back.


Remember To Laugh Along WITH Them
The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife 
was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine 
on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into 
gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged 
through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the 
floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and 
found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the 
motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The 
wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down 
the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the 
paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and 
transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the 
motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled 
on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up 
the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to 
come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered 
patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became 
despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and 
smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped 
it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and 
her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her 
husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away 
and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his 
legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called 
for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at 
the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher 
and began carrying him to the street. While they were going 
down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of 
the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned 
himself. When she told them the paramedics started laughing so 
hard one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband 
out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.


Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person 
asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting 
salary were you thinking about?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, 
depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 
5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, 
company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a 
company car leased every 2 years--say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."


The Last Things Many Women Might Say
Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just 
being friends.
Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up.
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Hey, get a whiff of that one.
This diamond is way too big.
Your ex-girlfriend wants to come along? Why, sure!
I am soooo happy that Brad Pitt is finally getting married.
Does this make my butt look too small?
I'm wrong, you must be right again.


Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the 
Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, 
but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for 
about a week, but you can't go back as your former selves. 
What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, 
soaring above the Rocky mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will 
any of this week 'count,' St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep 
track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to 
be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. 
Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble 
locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere 
over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one 
could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" Asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."


While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington 
Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" 
asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.


A man bought a used car, then started heading toward the west 
coast. He had one problem after another with the car. While he 
was waiting for it to be repaired in a small Arizona town, he 
decided to go to the bar next door to the garage. After a few 
drinks, he stated aloud to no one in particular, "Used-car 
salesmen are horses' asses."
One of the locals spoke up upon hearing this: "Mister, you'd 
better watch what you say. You're in horse country."


What's the best thing about Alzheimer's Disease?
The jokes here are always new.


A Generalist Doctor, A Literalist Patient
A man went to the doctor, and complained of a long history of 
migraine headaches. When the doctor checked his history and 
gave him a physical, he discovered that the poor guy had tried 
practically every therapy known to man for his migraines, and 
STILL had no improvement.
"Listen," said the doctor, "I have migraines, too, and the 
advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything that I 
learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten 
from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get 
in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while.
Then, I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can 
stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. 
After that, I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, 
and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to make love 
to her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, 
give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returned with a big grin. "Doc! I 
took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had 
migraines for 17 years, and this is the FIRST time anyone has 
ever helped me!"
"Well," said the physician, "I'm glad that I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient added, "You have a REALLY nice 
house."


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Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated."
The doctor says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're 
into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that 
sort of operation."
Fred replies, "Doc, I just want to be castrated and I'm a 
little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 
cash right here. Will you do it?"
The doctor says, "Well, okay, I guess I could make this one 
exception. I don't understand it, but all right."
He puts Fred to sleep, does the operation and is waiting at the 
bedside when Fred wakes up.
"Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks.
"It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an 
operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such 
a simple task and I felt a little guilty about taking that 
much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had 
never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I 
think, it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I 
hope you don't mind my..."
"Circumcised!" yells Fred. "That's the word!"


A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a 
sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks 
over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated 
from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and 
your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you 
without a second thought.
"However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, 
and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off 
potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop 
winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins 
pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, 
ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he 
finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the 
pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "That's all well and good, but 
this is a respectable company, and we will not have our 
employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, 
winking, and asked for aspirin?"


A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner 
points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, 
"The parrot on the left costs $500."
"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The 
owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that 
this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other 
parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win 
any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the 
third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, 
this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him 
do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."


A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a telemarketer are in a car. They run out 
of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer 
says that there are only two extra beds, so one person will 
have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn." So, he 
goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a 
knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow 
in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow."
So, the Rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few 
minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and 
it's the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep 
where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.
So, the tele-marketer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few 
minutes later, there is a knock on the door.
It's the pig and the cow...


Three Most Common Retorts Given To Rush Limbaugh
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception 
problem.
I'm not having hot flashes, I'm having power surges.
I am woman. I am invincible.


A woman walks into a sex therapist's office and tells her that 
her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex 
anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her 
that she has a new drug called "Viagra" that might do the 
trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that 
night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist 
that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex 
ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her 
husband two pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, as the 
drug is still quite new, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens: the woman comes in 
telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the 
night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. 
The therapist says she doesn't know, but cautiously tells her 
to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the 
therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would 
happen if she gave her husband double the "Viagra." The 
therapist says she doesn't know; it's a new drug still, and 
cautions that she's getting into unproven territory. Anyway, 
the woman leaves the therapist's office and put ten pills in 
her husband's coffee that night.
A week later, a young boy walks into the therapist's office and 
says, "Are you the doctor who gave my mother a bottle of blue 
sex pills?"
"Yes, young man, I did. Why?"
"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and 
Dad's sitting in the corner playing with himself going, 'Here, 
kitty, kitty, kitty...' "


Performance Reviews
"Since my last review he has hit rock bottom and has started to 
dig."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid 
curiosity."
"This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."


A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for 
two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a 
letter to God requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA," 
they decided to send it to President Clinton. The president was 
so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his 
secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Mr. Clinton thought 
this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately sat 
down to write a thank-you note to God which read, "Dear God, 
Thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for 
some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as 
usual, those bastards deducted 95 percent."


A 70 year old couple would like to have another child, so to 
see if it is possible, they make an appointment with a doctor. 
The doctor says to the man, "Take this bottle home and put some 
sperm into it, and when it is full bring it back."
He takes the bottle and they go home.
The next day, the couple goes back to the doctor with the 
bottle empty. The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
The man replies, "I've tried it with my left hand, I've tried 
it with my right hand, even both hands! My wife has tried it 
with both of her hands and even her mouth. We just can't get 
the damn bottle open!"


Life's Pressing Questions
If a man talks in the forest and there is no woman there to 
contradict him, is he still wrong?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the 
battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw mashed 
potatoes?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Why is the alphabet in that order?


The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher 
wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in 
kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of 
baby words.
She then asked them to tell her what they did during the 
summer. The first one said he went to see his nanna. The 
teacher said, "No, no, you went to see your grandmother. Use 
the grown up word."
The next one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The 
teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. 
That's the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during 
the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher 
asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a 
very adult way replied, "WINNIE THE SHIT!"


Mrs. St. James was almost in tears. "Oh Trudy," she said to her 
maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an 
affair with his secretary."
"I don't believe it for one minute." Trudy snapped. "You're 
just saying that to make me jealous."


News Item
Just as U.S. educators are licking their wounds over low math 
and science scores across the country, a new report out says 
the students aren't faring well in history, either. One 
example: Most students answered on the latest tests that B.C. 
meant "Before Cable."


Bob was showing off his new bird dog to his friend Bill.
They went down towards a lake and Bob said to the dog, "How 
many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off to the lake, came 
back a couple of minutes later, and barked twice. Seconds 
later, two ducks floated into view.
"That was unbelievable. Can he do it again?" Bill asked.
"Sure," responded Bob. "How many ducks are there, boy?" The dog 
raced off again, came back, and barked four times. Four ducks 
flew in and landed on the pond.
"I have to have that dog," Bill said. "I'll give you $5,000 and 
all of my hunting dogs." They agreed to the deal, and Bill took 
the dog home to show off to his wife.
Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and Bill 
said, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off, came 
back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and 
threw it over his shoulder.
"Bob gypped the hell out of you," his wife said. "You are such 
a fool."
Bill protested, "But I saw it work, let me try again. How many 
ducks are there boy?" Again the dog raced off, came back, 
humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it 
over his shoulder.
"Well, shit," Bill said. "This dog is useless." In a fit of 
rage he shot the dog.
Then, after shooting the dog, he went back and told the story 
to Bob. After hearing that Bill had killed the dog, Bob cried, 
"YOU IDIOT. That dog was telling you that there were more ducks 
than you could fucking shake a stick at."


After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he 
started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and 
shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth 
shut.


I'm growing older, but not up.--Jimmy Buffett


Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and 
decided to go to the store to get some cheap booze.
In the store, the first drunk says, "All right, I have 87 
cents; how much do you have?"
His friend replies, "I have a dollar. What can we get for 
$1.87?"
The first drunk spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for 
only $1.80 and has a great idea. "Hey, here's what we can do," 
he says.
"We'll buy that sausage there and put it in my pants. We'll go 
into a bar and order drinks. After the drinks are gone, I'll 
pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They'll kick 
us out of the bar and we won't have to pay!"
The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk 
in and order two beers and drink them down. When the beer is 
gone, the first drunk whips out the sausage and the second 
starts sucking on it.
"What the hell are you doing? Get out of my bar!" says the 
bartender, and the two run out laughing.
"That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent," says the second 
drunk. "Let's do it again!" So off they run to another bar for 
a repeat performance. This continues through the night.
At the end of the night, after about the 20th bar, the second 
drunk says, "Man what a great night. All this drinking is 
making me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it."
"Sausage?" says the first drunk. "I ate the sausage about eight 
bars ago!"


A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming 
sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the 
door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my 
parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a 
humming sound coming from the basement. When he went 
downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her 
vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my 
parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound 
again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, 
she found her husband watching television with the vibrator 
buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."


Stupid Robber Tricks
Rio's daily newspaper, "O Dia," reported two men attempted to 
hold up a Brazilian bus by threatening the driver and 
passengers with a *hair dryer*. However, one rider drew his own 
(real) pistol and promptly shot them both. The passenger 
managed to kill one of them.


An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, 
died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten 
years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and 
exercising.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to 
their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, 
master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.
As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all 
this was going to cost.
"It's free," St. Peter replied. "This is Heaven."
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the 
championship-style golf course that the home bordered. They 
would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the 
course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses 
on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?"
St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet 
lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" St. 
Peter replied, with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the 
old man asked timidly.
St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part--you can eat as much 
as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you 
never get sick. This is, after all, Heaven."
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down 
his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly.
St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him 
what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This 
is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, 
I could have been here ten years ago!"


Three men were going through CIA training, hoping to become 
secret agents. After finally completely their written and 
physical tests, they were each taken to a small room with a 
one-way mirror looking into another room.
Shortly the first trainee's wife was brought into the mirrored 
room. The instructor loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it 
to the first man and said, "Go kill your wife of five years."
The trainee took the gun, and went into the room. A few minutes 
later he returned and said, "I can't do it." The instructor 
replied, "We're sorry, but you have failed. Please leave."
Next the second trainee's wife was brought into the room, and 
the instructor once again loaded two rounds into a pistol and 
handed it to the second trainee.
"Go kill your wife of ten years."
The trainee took the gun and went into the other room. After 
nearly 30 minutes, the trainee came back out and said, "I'm 
sorry, I just couldn't bring myself to do it," to which the 
instructor replied, "We're sorry, but you have failed."
Finally, the third trainee's wife was brought into the room and 
left there. The instructor loaded two rounds into a pistol, 
handed it to the third man and said, "Go kill your wife of 
fifteen years."
The trainee took the gun, and went into the room with his wife. 
After a minute of silence, suddenly two gun-shots are heard 
followed by a loud commotion. A few minutes later the third 
trainee finally came out of the room, turned to the instructor 
and said, "What kind of test was that? You gave me blanks...I 
had to choke her!"


Two five-year-old boys are standing at the potty to pee.
One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised," the other one says.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My Mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for almost a year!"


Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered 
to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the 
happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping 
it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's 
the groom wearing black?"